Hampstead 4′s Vs Black Horse

21st January 2012

A rainy morning made way for bright sunshine in time for the Heathens first home game since October, and their first league game since before Christmas, already having 2 oppos call off in the previous two weeks.

Having won but been pushed hard away to Black Horse back in September, Hampstead were ready for a contest with players itching to get onto the pitch. Rory Holmes kicked off, failing to send the ball 10, it was the only mistake he made all game. Black Horse took control in the scrum but the Hampstead pack did what they do best and in the loose got straight in the face of the half backs and a turnover rapidly followed. A few phases taking D1 and D2 (see Coops, we listen) drew the defence in and the egg was spun wide and, making his Hampstead début, JC powered over the line.

Then the tries began to flow, Dobbo gathering whatever ball BH kicked over and stepping and dummying everyone for fun, getting over the line himself and offloading to Shirley who beat the wing and fullback for pace, sprinting from the halfway line into the corner in front of an adoring crowd. Patrick Hilley showed why pace men work at inside centre as well as out wide, linking up well with Rory at 10 to step everyone and get over the try line (he did it a second time later as well….I forget when exactly).

Hampstead’s scrum managed to upset Black Horses main strength area, the great hooking of Mark Harrison pinching their ball as often as they won it themselves, but they didn’t put their heads down and whenever they had their chance to batter back into Hampstead’s half they did and after a sustained period of attack they got themselves over and added their own points to the game. An angered Hampstead went straight back at them though and JB, putting in a man of the match performance, sniped his way around the ruck and sprinted his way over the line.

After being threatened with being subbed, Ian Panton promptly showed why the selectors are idiots..I’ll allow him to explain with this handy schematic he emailed me (See Below) Special mention to Shirley and his wasted run.

We subbed him anyway.

Rich Young came on and promptly (with a little help from Dobbo) scored, and after another 50 yard dash from JB, offloaded through Rich, Corey Dudgeon strolled over the line for the first props try. One of the second rows got over for a try, it might have been McGarrity, whoever it was he scored a second, so it probably wasn’t McGarrity. Paul Van De Hende powered through from the 22 to make the 2^nd of the props try’s of the day. Though the Horse managed to battle through and get over the try line again it was certainly Hampstead’s day and a marker was set for next weeks trip to OA’s 5

Final score

Hampstead 4′s 86-14 Black Horse

Ian Pantons 'Try of the Match' (???)

The festive season was over and the Hampstead 3s squad faced up its first game of the year, merry and confident on a sunny morning, perfect for the fast paced run it from anywhere style of Hampstead!

The game started and immediately it was clear that all the Hampstead players had eaten and drunk their way through the Christmas and where suffering both mentally and physically as a result, losing nearly all scrums and line outs in first quarter of the game.

From the sheer size of a Hertford pack who appeared to have enjoyed Christmas even more than Hampstead, it was clear that the Hampstead forwards had to do their best if they wanted to win the match.  After two strong forward plays by Hertford and a quick counter break by Hampstead the score stood at 7-17 to Hertford.  It was that crucial moment when they had to decide, give up or fight and win!

Luckily Hampstead decided to fight, with JB leading the team with some darting breaks and then offloading to the always-in support back row of Walsh, Dallas and Peck. Hampstead where now gradually improving, mastering key aspects of their game, such as lineouts but still struggling in the scrums against the bigger Hertford pack.

Hertford showing themselves to be decent opposition used their domination of the scrums and keeping the ball tight and going through multiple phases to score again.  With the wind behind Hertford they repeatedly kicked the ball long but luckily for Hampstead fullback Higgins caught and returned all of the fly balls.  The first half finished with Hertford ahead 28-19, after JB scored and Higgins converted a remarkable try from el Spaniard, in which he dribbled the ball, like his fellow country man Torres from just within their 22, past several of the opposition and the try line before diving on.

The second half continued in the same manner, with ever score by Hertford answered by Hampstead, but now with the lighter, fitter Hampstead Pack started to wear down Hertford.  Tries came from Mason, Bigham and El Spaniard (dos!).  Sadly Rickard was unable to score from his breakaway, running out of muffin at around 69-metres and at 70 minutes the score stood at 36 all.

Hampstead, now with the wind at their back kept Hertford pinned in their own half.  With darting breaks by the latest and greatest 3s centre pairing of Mason and O’Keefe followed by the crashing carrying of Rourke, McGarrity, Hyde, Hamilton, Brear, Peck and Walsh, Hampstead moved ever closer to scoring, perhaps what would become the winning try.

Finally after constant pressure on their try line, Hertford conceded a penalty and Youdan stepped up and calmly slotted it. Hampstead led 39-36 with less than 5 minutes to go.

Methodically Hampstead regained the ball from the kick off and again stormed up the pitch and after more phases than anyone can remember scored again to finish a remarkable comeback.

On balance, it was a tough victory, against decent opposition but next time Hampstead need to be awake from the first minute and not giving chances to their rivals.

Anyway, well done Hampstead!

Hampstead team: Brear, Cox, Gutiérrez Martín, Hamilton, Higgins, Holmes, Hyde, Mason, McGarrity, O’Keefe, Peck, Rickard, Roulston, Rourke, Ruthven, Ruat, Walsh, Youdan.

Match Report:  Benjamin “El Spaniard” Gutiérrez Martín
(Available in Welsh and Spanish upon request)

Having already secured the league win thanks to OMT’s failing to find enough players Hampstead 4s piled onto a train to Windsor looking for a big win to shake of the Christmas turkey.

Windsor however seemed to have the same idea. With the squad minus Roger who was unable to make the journey in time and Dom Hailes once again failing to turn up a quick shift around in the front 3 and the back 3 and the game kicked off.

Hampsteads Christmas rustiness was made up for by a sheer determination to cause as much damage as possible and the forwards battered the ball up field. And promptly stayed there for a good half hour. The only way Windsor got any field possession was through some (fairly regular) Heathens penalties, even the knock ons didn’t help them as Hampsteads reshuffled tight 5 powered through and pushed them off their ball on a regular basis.

Shirley, drafted in at 10, valiantly tried to get the ball moving but a very quick blitz (not the least off side) defence hampered his way through as Windsor defended brilliantly to hold Hampstead out. A drive from a pendulum ball saw Jimbo over the line but was deemed held up. Shortly afterwards a scrub was walked over the line but the opposing 9 grounded the ball at Colins feet before he or Ben had a chance. Not long after Scott Donald got over the line and grounded, busting through the fringe defence from 5 yards. But the ref didn’t see it and after complaints from the oppo was deemed to be knocked on. Much to Hampsteads disgust.
Some back and forth play seeing Windsor taking advantage of Hampsteads frustration saw the half looking like finishing 0 0. But a quick tap penalty in the final minutes saw some quick hands and Colin Gellalty dived over for the try.

The second half kicked off and normal service resumed with play moving back and forth and left to right. Neither side able to find a way through. The first 15 minutes only broken by 3 point from the boot of James Shirley.
With 20 minutes remaining a fantastic driving maul from lineup saw the ball move from half way up to 10 yards of the line. But was pulled down by Windsors no. 10, clinging to Simon Marcus’s shins. A penalty was awarded but the resulting try was not given, seen to be a double move by the opposition, and not seen at all by the ref.

Frustrations kicked in, along with the Christmas turkey and Hampstead conceded a try from a very good team effort from Windsor. But in the final few minutes of the game, a hesitant Windsor fly half at a line out on their 10 gave Elliot Walker time to jog up and intercept the pass and score under the posts. Shirley adding the extras. Windsor fought back hard and if not for some hard hits and diving tackles could have scored again. But Hampstead didn’t fold and the final whistle blew, the score 5 15 and two very battered teams left the field. One happier than the other, but possibly as Mark Harrison had just asked what the big castle by the ground was.

A confused Mark Harrison was seen later that night on Hampstead Heath

A stiff breeze aided Old Street in the first half and they pinned the visitors back into their 22 for long periods. Despite having the majority of possession, Old Street were unable to break down Hampstead’s well-organised defence and didn’t really look like crossing the line.

It took a penalty for the home team to take a slender lead, awarded after flanker Tristan Morgan was penalised at the ruck for the third time in as many seconds.

Hampstead came back strongly, but failed to finish off the chances they created, with the backs running over complicated moves and the forwards being let down by their handling, especially at blind slide flanker. After a period of pressure, all Hampstead had to show was a penalty from outstanding non-Northern fly half Morgan Clement.

After a knock on – one of several in the game from Hampstead’s no. 6 – Old Street had an attacking scrum and broke down the blindside, unmarshalled by the flanker who should have been covering that side of the scrum.

A chip forward and a mix up by Hampstead’s back three allowed the home team to run in for a converted try on the stroke of half time, leaving the score 10-3.

Inspiring words at half time, not to mention the wind at their backs, meant Hampstead started the second half the stronger of the two teams and finally broke through after fullback Ben Savigar-Jones burst through for the first of two tries in quick succession.

After 15 minutes of the second half, the game was still tight at 15-10 to Hampstead, but it took the substitution of Roger Dearling, who came on for stricken blindside flanker Tristan Morgan, for the floodgates to really open.

Dearling was the missing link, the glue between backs and forwards, and Hampstead ran in three quick tries from Blazers Corridan and two from Sean Carroll to kill the game. Clement capped an unsurpassable performance by converting three of the tries and the game finished 34-10 to Hampstead.

Hampstead made a number of half-breaks, but couldn’t finish anything off and were guilty of butchering a few clear try-scoring opportunities. Hampstead paid for their profligacy when the Enfield pack, drove over from short range. Neither try was converted and the half time score was 5-5.

After the break, Enfield came out and quckly added a second pushover try for the away team. This time the try was converted and the score nudged on to 12-5.

Hampstead starved of ball were unable to create anything in the second half. The final score was 12-5 to the visitors and Hampstead went into the Christmas break thinking of what might have been.

Pulitzer prize-winning reporter Dave Gold was unable to attend the game due to having unusually large patellas.

As Christmas begets many traditions, including the fabled Hampstead Carol Crawl later the same evening, so The Legends also followed their own traditions. As the young bucks of the opposition sprinted and carved elaborate lines in complicated moves of dash and élan interspersed with rousing shouts and chants and vim and vigour, we mostly chatted. Easty spent a good while hoofing balls at the posts like a blonder, shorter, less skilful, softer John Eales, that is, if John Eales had never learned to place kick. Was this to be the final nail in the coffin of the legend of The Legends? Were these magnificent athletes prowling the paddock the new generation who were to retire the fame and eons-old glories of the past-their-prime players of the previous years? The shaking knees of some of the old fellows might not have been purely from the cold or palsy.

The first of many for poor OMs

Kickoff, true to traditions, saw Spils knock it about 5 yards towards the oppo 10 metre line. The brashness of youth proudly called for the scrum, scornful of the combined front-row age of about a century and a half of John Goldman, Botch and The Colonel. This attitude lasted until about the time of the engage call, whereupon decades of good eating, and old man grumpiness did for young muscle and stamina as Ali did for Foreman in Kinshasa! What the forwards could do in the dark places, the backs could match in the light, with Stumpy and Evans proving that age only dims the eyes, slows the legs and weakens the hair, but brawny arms can fend off young tacklers and wrap up little runners with ease. Unfortunately, the first pass to Spils was hurled mightily toward his opposite man as the prospect of taking a tackle stunned the shiny-headed wizard – shame for OMs that this led to another scrum which was the area where we were already looking good.

Then tragedy struck! The two youngsters in the team, spritely 29-yr olds James Sutherland and James Shirley collided with each other and Sutherland limped off with a massive bloody, bruised lump in his foot, later diagnosed as a pair of broken metatarsals, sure to encumber his highland dances this Hogmanay. Luckily, decrepit old Phil Lewis wandered up and slotted onto the wing immediately – his Welsh gobbledygook was as indecipherable as Sutherland’s Scottish burr so communication issues with the right wing remained constant., Anyway, a couple of tries apiece and the first half stuttered to a stop.

Slowly trundling towards the line

Half time: Old Millhillians 10 – Legends 10

The second half started mostly as the first had run, with halftime being taken up by all the old fellas talking as if everyone deserved to listen to them and not realising that they were being ignored. Roger brought a decade of youth to the front row by replacing John Goldman, and the scrums continued to devastate the young bucks. Open play was a mixed affair, with OMs showing bits of brilliance and in danger of bursting free as the old men tired, with only the younger members, those still under 40, showing fitness and stamina. To counter this, wily captain Taylor decided the thing to do was to bring The Sumo into the fray. How better to handle a faster, fitter team than to use girth to cover more of the field? His awesome first play was to defend an open midfield– a 20 year old back came at him with pace and purpose, dashing left, dancing right, a stutter step, a hitch kick, a deceptive weave, a head bob, a sidestep, then a rapid deceleration from meeting 19 stone of prime Ulster beef head-on leading to a turnover and a Legends breakaway try!

A second moment of disaster when Spils, embiggened by such play, took contact for the first time in his career, and found himself the worse off with a fractured shoulder, to be pinned this Christmas. He took it calmly, like a man, but to be fair it is doubtful that a man such as he, who has avoided tackling for four decades, would know what pain was like. The flanker dynamo Matt Kowal moved out to the centres, and Errol lumbered back onto the field – a trio weighing 19, 16.5 and 18 stone would seem to be a decent international front row, but for The Legends, that is just the back row! Eschewing this new-fangled idea of running and passing the ball, a long series of rucks and scrums soon led to running the clock out and a pushover to seal the win, though some got carried away, with Easty galloping sidewards at one stage, showing a sidestep from the David Duckham handbook, from an era before any of the opposition’s parents were in long trews.

Mr Incredible vs Mr Incredibly Fat

In the end, deserving winners, showing that wily old age can overcome youth, fitness and skill. Of course, in this era of professional rugby, where hits are harder, runs are faster, and skills are sharper, injuries are bound to happen as the collisions get bigger. Two of the squad may have ended up in hospital, and good luck to their recoveries, but all afternoon there were many a fear that lumbago might strike, much aimless wandering around at kickoffs as aged eyes fail to see the ball heading towards wrinkles hands, and other such worries that modern teams just do not have to worry about! Later, such upstanding members of the retirement homes were allowed out unsupervised by nursing staff, and could be found singing with much gusto, and not a little lack of ability, in the Carol Crawl, led ably off the pitch by Simon Taylor, who came as a fat Mr Incredible.

Final score: Old Millhillians 17 – Hampstead Legends 41

Team: John Goldman, Paul Botherby, The Colonel, Matt Eastwood, Greg Clerkson, Simon Taylor, Matt Kowal, Errol, Jim Henwood, Spils, Mike Evans, Stumpy, James Sutherland, James Shirley, Mad Ron, El Presidenté Roger, Phil Lewis, Sumo

Tries:  Taylor x 2, Errol x 2, Shirley, Phil Lewis, Mike Evans

Conversions: Spils x 2, Shirley x 1

MOM: Jim Henwood for showing Bergamasco that front rowers can play scrum half even if flankers cannot. Honourable mentions go to Matt Kowal, Easty, and especially Mad Ron and Shirley for covering all those runners that the old gits couldn’t get near to.

Mal Oeuf: Shirley for taking an easy conversion so quickly that the old farts couldn’t get a proper rest.

Hampstead were forced into a reshuffle with lots of players away with wives and kids Christmas shopping. MC-D returned to captain the side to a glorious 62-10 victory over a stubborn Fullerians side. Ed Humphreys decided not to turn up so James Duncan ably stepped up from the bench and put in a sterling performance. The game kicked off and the Hampstead forwards immediately got to work securing quick ball for George Aird to spin out. Maybe the backs were a little too confident and kept dropping the ball at the vital time. Well it took the Hampstead team a while to get going properly. A referee pinging Roger for a dummy throw even though the referee’s back was to Roger at the time and some questionable decisions at scrum time only delayed the inevitable. Tim Martin made a break off a hammer ball (put in by Ben “the metronome” Howden).His lack of pace didn’t stop the Hampstead momentum and after a few offloads it was left to Tristan “Green Ball” Gladwell to bundle himself over for the opening score. Howden with his Jonny Wilkinson stance, obviously in tribute to his retired hero, kicked the extra points. This got Hampstead’s tails up.

Fullerians were struggling to get out of their half and this continued as the half wore on. The again outstanding Will Jackson made some lovely breaks and Hampstead were finding a lot of luck on Howden’s inside shoulder. With Howden’s reluctance to take contact it meant the forwards were making a lot of breaks. Next it was Roger’s turn to make a break and offload Sonny Bill Williams-esque to Gladwell who was held up short. A penalty was given for infringement at the ruck. As Roger was starting a fight with 4 Fullerians players Dev Dhiman ran like an angry wildebeest at the line crashing off two tacklers before putting the ball gently down under the posts. Brendan Byrne was complaining no-one would pass to him to score, a trend that would continue. With Hampstead 14-0 up Will Jackson then got himself deservedly on the scoresheet. Howden failed to convert 19-0. Chris Kang seemed unable to enter a ruck or maul from the back and then decided to do this in front of Hampstead’s post. Fullerians took the chance to kick at goal, 19-3.

With Fullerians thinking this was the end of the half, Howden took a short kick off, which Hampstead turned over. Kang made up for his previous indiscretion and passed a lovely ball out wide to Ian “Muffin Tops” Rickard (I’m not that scared of his mum). Ian could not, not score. He flopped over the line. Howden converted 26-3 at half time.

In the second half, Hampstead started much like the first, with Brendan whining about not being allowed to score. Well it wasn’t long before Muffin Tops went over for his second score running another inside channel off Howden. 33-3 This was a game where Roger only ran 44 hammers off the fly-half but the forwards were really benefitting from Howden’s generosity. Next up it was Roger’s turn to score. A good solid scrum, which has improved a lot since the start of the season allowed MCD and Kang to turn the ball over. From a break the ball made it to Pasko. Pasko took the ball forwards 2 metres then realised he was never going to have the fitness to make the next 10 to the line, so offloaded to Roger who handed off the full-back to score. The team were obviously disappointed that Roger had scored, but it didn’t matter as it’s all about the team. 40-3. Next up was Dobbo who crashed over breaking a few tackles. Howden failed to convert. 45-3. MCD, who had a storming game, took himself off to bring on Aussie Rowan. He made Roger pack leader and Dobbo, the former proving an unpopular decision.

Fullerians suddenly woke up and started using their forwards to suck in Hampstead forwards, before spinning the ball wide. It worked the first time they tried it and they scored under the posts. 45-10. They then tried this again, but the outstanding Rickard spotted the danger. Rowan’s introduction invigorated the forward pack but they seemed to lack control, something they put down to Roger’s lack of leadership. From a fortuitous kick ahead George Aird got a “jammy bounce and caught it to carry over. Howden with his extra long preparation missed the relatively simple kick. 50-10. Then wing Patrick got in on the act cutting a beautiful line to score quite deservedly. 57-10. Finally it was left to Muffin Tops to complete his hattrick. Roger was obviously delighted as was confirmed by his “Get in you fat muffin-topped bastard” cry when Ricky touched down. It completed the scoring and Hampstead won 64-10.

The manner of the control displayed for large portions of the game will have pleased MCD and the lazy Brunty, sunning himself on a beach in Costa Rica. Unfortunately MCD forgot the post-match port he promised, but it didn’t matter the boys had the carol crawl to look forward to. All the players deserve a mention. Byrne and Gladwell for just being in the front row – they were both outstanding. It hurts me to say it, but Tim Martin did play well, even though he had spent most of the morning up a tree. All the backs played well from George to Dobbo – they stepped up and made sure the 2s weren’t missing the likes of Henderson or Bournac. Dev Dhiman was again bullocking in the loose, Will Jackson carried well and it was good to see Kang in the back-row again even if he couldn’t enter a ruck from the rear. Well played Hampstead!

After the game, Hampstead International News Correspondent Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin aka Roger caught up with fly-half Ben Howden.

V.V.Putin: So Big Ben you had a storming game it must feel good to be back after your long trip to New Zealand?

Howden: Yeah well I went over there thinking England might need a back-up fly-half. Obviously you could see from my performance out there that I’m definitely up to it…

V.V.Putin: (reluctantly) Sure Howden – but you seem to take after your hero Jonny Wilkinson. What is with your stance before you take a kick?

Howden: Well Jon Burt told me to take the stance like he’s about to roger me up the backside as it helps my kicking.

V.V.Putin: So that’s what you got up to in New Zealand?

Howden: Yeah well when you’re away you need someone to snuggle with.

V.V.Putin: Hmmm. So you heading out on the carol crawl later?

Howden: Yeah me and Jon will be catching up with a few mates in the Prince Willy. Some great guys in there.

V.V.Putin: Fair play mate, I’ll see you in costume

Howden: See you there Putes!!!

A MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!!

Roger Putin

From kick off Hampstead went straight at St Albans, the forwards battering through the middle, showing good strength and ability in the tight. With Nick Scott returning from injury bossing the big lads well it was only a matter of time before he linked with Andy Mason to release the backs Ian Rickard and Charlie Davies making great runs up the pitch before a little pop and a step saw Martin O’Connor power over in the corner for his first.

Some shaky scrums saw St Albans try to fight back but the back row of Walker, Chapman and Jimbo shut down their 8 and 9 on a regular basis, getting the ball back to Andy to unleash Rickard up the field again. An overlap and another sweet pop from Noel Higgins  should have seen O’connor straight into the corner again, but he nearly dropped it and had to barge his way through the defence to get over for number 2. The front row of Corey Dudgeon, Mark Harrison and The Colonel tightened up and St Albans main strength was beaten. More tries followed from Shirley after ‘Dancing Feet’ Noel made his way round two defenders and swung it wide. Good hands from Shirley taking the ball slightly behind him turned, stepped the defender and stretched for the try, grounding it by the tips of his fingers right on the line. Another nearly followed for him after a run from skipper Simon Marcus, timing his pass beautifully, but unfortunately scramble defence held it short and some loose hands resulted in a scrum. Hampstead however stole it and Andy powered through a tackle shipping it to a marauding Rickard who picked the right line and powered in under the posts. Though Rickard believes he was able to get by easier as Andy’s garish boots must have blinded the opposition. Finally for Hampstead in the half Davies managed to spot a gap and add his first to the tally. St Albans did get on the board with the final play of the game, several penalties giving them the chance to get some good position and some powerful forward play saw them cross the line.

Skipper Simon left the field at half time to make room for Cash in the second row and the extra power soon told in the loose, some great green ball saw the backs get some clean ball in space and Shirley stepped neatly into the corner to open the second half. Noel added the extras before leaving the field, relegating Jimbo to the wing for a half. O’Connor added another, fantastically ignoring an overlap and barging over to make up his hat-trick. A sustained period of attack saw Rickard leave the field with a knuckle clearly in the wrong part of his hand and another back-rower stepped into the back line, Colin Gellatly filling the roll of centre and the Heathens playing with 14 men until Angus McGill took to the pitch having arrived late due to a sick horse (something I never thought I’d write). St Albans took their chance well and managed to make the overlap count, scoring in the corner. But the Heathens fought back and after a butchered chance by Jimbo , thinking he was well inside the touch line, diving for the score only to be bundled out of play, Walker showed him how to dive for the corner properly on the opposite side of the pitch. Back at full strength O’Connor went over for his fourth  and with time running down the foot came off the gas a bit. Some lax defence (mainly Jimbo trying to go high on a flanker 3 times his size and getting a hand in the face for his efforts) saw St Albans get a third, but the boys stepped it back up and with the final play of the game Davies stepped smartly round several players, stepped through a couple more to score under the posts. The Colonel stepping up to boot the ball over the posts for the extras and sealing a solid win by Hampstead 4’s.

Final Score: St Albans 17 – Hampstead Heathens 58
Man of the Match: Martin ‘The Hulk’ O’Connor
Dick Of The Day: Charlie ‘Who needs a SatNav’ Davies

Match Report: Jimbo “Bag Man” Caesar

We have a late bar at the White Horse. It’s not a night to miss. If you turn up late or meet elsewhere, then fine, it will just mean you will have to queue at the bars & buy your own drinks.

You pay £40 for pints; £25 for halves & nominate your drink. You stick to that drink for the next 9 pubs.

Meet: Saturday 17th December at 18.00 at the Holly Bush pub to sign up to the official crawl.

Theme: Heroes & Villains

Route:
19:00 – Holly Bush
19:05 to 19:35 – Duke of Hamilton
19:35 to 20:00 – The Flask
20:00 to 20:25 – King Willian IV
20:25 to 20:50 – Rosslyn Arms
21:00 to 21:25 - The George
21:25 to 21:50 - The Roebuck
21:50 to 22:15 – The Garden Gate
22:15 to 22:45 – The Stag
22:45 to 01:30 – The White Horse

Hampstead were their own worst enemies as indiscipline and failure to deal with Basildon’s deep kicks to the corner gave Basildon territory and possession. Basildon converted the pressure into points as a missed tackle out wide allowed the full back to score. The conversion was missed. Basildon scored their second shortly after from a catch and drive despite having their openside flank sin binned. The try was converted and Basildon also added a penalty to make the score 15-0.

Hampstead continued to make little errors and seemed incapable of holding on to the ball. On the one occasion they were able to hold on to the ball for a number of phases, Hampstead scored a try on the stroke of half time. A number of charges from the forwards and a few line breaks created the opportunity for Glaysher, as ever at the heart of what little good play there was for Hampstead, to put in a perfectly weighted kick through for captain Pete Evans to score.

Hampstead started the second half in the same error strewn way that they had played much of the first half and it became apparent that the intoxicated half time team talk had not had the desired effect. Basildon scored their third try from a catch and drive but were unable to convert from out wide. Hampstead responded with a fine charge by French winger Thomass which set up the position for second row Matt Sollars to force his way over the line with the help of the ubiquitous Glaysher. Damien Naughton converted sweetly to make the score 20-14.

However, Hampstead could not capitalise on the change in momentum as they continued to make simple mistakes. They were not helped by the referee’s decision not to play advantage following an outrageous spear tackle from the Basildon openside flank, who had already been given a yellow card, with Hampstead in a promising position. To rub salt into the wound, no further action was taken by the referee against the Basildon player.

Basildon sealed victory with a penalty with the final play of the game to make the final score 23-14. The penalty also meant that Hampstead were denied a losing bonus point, although the bonus point was probably undeserved as the much better team on the day won.

In a meeting of minds, reporter Gold spoke to fly-half Dave Mold after the game.

Gold: Was it tough knowing that many members of the team refused to play last week and this week because you were selected at 10?

Mold: Sure, it’s really tough. Knowing that I’m second choice is hard enough without having other people refusing to play with me. We all have to accept that Glaysher is better than us in our chosen position, but what makes it worse is that whenever he plays in my position he is so much better than me the difference is really noticeable.

G: I can’t disagree with that. Will Glaysher be playing at 10 next week?

M: Yes, I’ve decided to bow to public pressure and the hate mail I have been receiving, and will not make myself available next week.

G: As you can’t catch, pass, kick or run why is it do you think that you are in the team?

M: Like all of the best players of my generation; Shontanye Hape, Mike Tindall, I’m picked for my defensive skills.

G: Defensive skills? I haven’t seen you make a tackle all season.

M: Oh no, I don’t tackle. I stand in the defensive line and when my opposite number gets the ball, I shout “he’s yours”. That means the Hampstead player nearest to me has to tackle him. It’s a bit like calling shot gun.  It’s that defensive organisation that is so sought after.

G: I see. I imagine the coach journey home is going to be a miserable one?

M: yes, particularly as the new Director of Rugby has already drank most of the £130 worth of alcohol we had brought.

G: Thanks Dave, enjoy being able to watch Glaysher showcase his skills next week.

Hampstead’s new fly half, James Glaysher